With Chagrin
by Captain Atticus
Summary: Fanfiction? What? Oneshot. Uh.... Bella and Edward. Yeah. They use the word "chagrin" a lot in Twilight, did you know?


**A/N: I don't remember what time it was when I wrote this. Heck, I barely remember writing this. Anyways, the word "chagrin" is used rather a lot in Twilight, did you know that? Okay. That's all I really wanted to say up here.**

"Oh, Bella," Edward said with chagrin. "I love you."

I blushed as I looked into his smothering -I mean smoldering- eyes. Today they were a curious shade of purple.

"Why are your eyes purple?" I blurted out.

He seemed confused by the question. Maybe he'd been expecting a different response to his confession of love. Who cares.

"Because I decided to become a true vegetarian, Bella. Now I'll live off the blood of fruits and vegetables! Today I drank fifty liters of grape juice!" he explained with chagrin.

Heat rose in my cheeks. "Oh."

How could I ever be worthy of such perfection? I had the perfect, god-ish vampire, the kind with sparkling bronze hair and exquisitely ruffled skin.

"Bella?" Edward said suddenly with chagrin, concern apparent in his voice. "Are you alright? You're drooling again."

I sighed with contentment and wiped the drool from my cheek. "It's just that you're so perfect."

Then Edward's chagrin disappeared. He stood abruptly, and I, having been draped comfortably across his chiseled chest, his terrific torso, his manly muscles, fell to the ground, nearly giving myself a concussion in the process.

"I know," he said, and frowned dazzlingly. I realized that I was looking at him upside down and that he was in fact smiling. Smiling dazzlingly, like one of those bug zappers. (His smile was blue and glowing, you see.)

"I've been thinking about this a lot lately," he continued, and I was struck speechless by the pure masculine beauty of his voice.

Suddenly his words struck me. (They left a bruise. I bruise easily. I also have very pale skin, have I mentioned that? It's like ivory. Or moonlight. Or maybe a dead person.) If Edward, dear, magnificent Edward, realized how perfect he was, would he leave me? I didn't think I could survive if he did that again. This time I really would die when I jumped off that cliff.

And none of those blasted furball werewolves would save me, either. Blast them. They smell like wet dogs, particularly when they're wet.

I clung desperately to Edward's icy leg. His skin was smooth and perfect. I wondered briefly why he shaved his legs, and also why he wasn't wearing pants, but then dismissed the matter. Whether or not Edward left was far more important. I loved him. With True Love. True Love conquers all, even rock, paper, and hokey old religions, but what if he didn't love me in return?

"I really am perfect," Edward continued to continue, apparently unaware that I was clinging to his leg. "And I think there's only one real way to address this matter."

I waited with fear and chagrin to find out what that way was. I also blushed, covered my face with my hair, and refused another date with Mike Newton for good measure. Mike walked away in disappointment, but he seemed a little appeased by the fact that he'd gotten to see Edward without pants.

"With a song!" Edward declared triumphantly.

I was confused by this.

"On the piano?" I asked tentatively.

"NO." He glared at me. "I hate pianos. You know that."

I didn't, but his wonderful, purple, glaring eyes rendered me incapable of doing anything but agreeing.

"On the..." he trailed off for a moment to think.

The suspense was unbearable. I clung tighter to his leg and refused a date with that one guy whose name I can't be bothered to remember. No one cares about him anyways.

"Accordion!" he decided.

"But isn't that part piano?" I objected.

"Must you always contradict me?" he growled. "Don't you know I'm dangerous? I could kill you as easily as I could crush this umbrella!"

He was very scary. I blushed.

Edward ran upstairs, with me still clinging to his leg. He found his accordion in his bedroom, which had racks filled with CDs covering all of the walls. For some reason these were all copies of the same two CDs, but I decided that this must mean that only these CDs were worthy of the perfection of Edward Cullen.

Did I mention that he's a vampire?

"You're drooling again," Edward said impatiently. He ripped me from his leg and threw me across the room.

"Don't you know I'm dangerous?" he asked, his voice breaking my hard just as his throw had broken my spine.

I opened my mouth to answer, but all that came out was a scream. Probably from the broken spine. My spine was very loud.

"Now, for the SONG! "

And he began to sing, the most heavenly sound in the world.

"OH I'M A REALLY COOL GUY.  
I SPARKLE IN THE SUN, YOU SEE.  
I LIKE LONG WALKS IN VOLCANOES,  
AND PLAYING BASEBALL WITH MY HOMIES."

Edward had the unique ability of singing in caps lock.

"SOME PEOPLE MIGHT NOT LIKE ME  
CAUSE I ABUSE MY GIRL,  
BUT THEY DON'T REALIZE  
THAT I'M THE BESTEST PERSON IN THE WORLD."

I had to agree with him. He was perfection incarnate; he should have been ascending to the heavens to take his rightful place as G-

"I COULD SWIM FASTER THAN MICHAEL PHELPS,  
IF NOT FOR THE FACT THAT I CAN'T SWIM.  
BUT ONE THING'S FOR SURE:  
I SURE AM EPIC WIN."

Edward iz da beast, yo.

"I RUN KINDA LIKE AN ANTELOPE  
AND I SMELL LIKE ONE TOO.  
BUT YOU'D KNOW HOW GOOD ANTELOPE SMELL  
IF YOU'D EVER BEEN TO THE ZOO."

Anyone who denies how good antelope smell can die now.

"I FELL IN LOVE WITH SOME LAME HUMAN  
BACK IN BOOK ONE.  
SHE'S REALLY ANNOYING  
BUT LAUGHING AT HER WITH ROSALIE IS FUN."

I didn't understand what this verse meant.

"I USED TO SNEAK INTO HER ROOM  
THROUGH HER WINDOW AT NIGHT.  
NOW I USE THE FRONT DOOR  
'CAUSE CHARLIE SAYS IT'S ALRIGHT."

Mmmm. Vampires are hot. I had to wipe away the drool again.

"SHE SAT NEXT TO ME IN BIO.  
HER BLOOD SMELLED SO GOOD.  
I WORKED HARD NOT TO DRINK IT,  
THOUGH EVEN MIKE SAID I SHOULD."

I have a problem with my saliva producing thing, okay?

"SO I STALKED HER EVERY NIGHT.  
AND WATCHED HER EVERY DAY.  
SOME MAY COMPARE ME TO SANTA,  
BUT I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY SAY."

Make fun of my saliva again and I'll set my vamp on you.

"I TOOK HER TO THE FOREST  
SO I COULD SVCK HER BLOOD AT LAST.  
BUT THEN I DISCOVERED  
IT'D BEEN A WEEK SINCE SHE'D TAKEN A BATH."

I was ashamed -nay, chagrined- due to my imperfection.

"WE FELL IN TRUE LOVE.  
I'M NOT REALLY SURE WHY.  
SOMEHOW WE ENDED UP MARRIED.  
SOMETIMES IT MAKES ME CRY."

I was driven to tears by the emotion in his voice. There it was, proof of my unworthiness.

"IT'S ALL OKAY, THOUGH.  
'CAUSE I'M STILL REALLY BEAST.  
BELLA'S HERE RIGHT NOW,  
AND IT'S TIME FOR A FEAST."

And then he jumped across the room with incredible grace, perfection, chagrin, majesty, and oddly smoldering eyes. He smiled dazzlingly. He lowered his lips to my neck, and then bit me.

He drained me of blood. I died. I don't know how I'm still narrating, since I'm dead and all, but THIS IS A FANTASY NOVEL SO I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT OKAY.

Edward was in pain.

"Why can I still hear your voice?" he cried, agonized and maybe just a little chagrined as he shook my bloodless corpse.

I was rendered speechless by his awesomesauceness, or maybe by the fact that I was dead. Whatever.

Jasper entered the room and assessed the situation. "The President is on the line," he stated, holding out a phone to Edward. "He wants to give you some kind of award for killing your girlfriend."

"Can't you see I'm writhing in emotional anguish?" Edward screamed at his "brother."

"Actually, you seem to be writhing in mud." Jasper frowned. It was true. Edward's bedroom floor was made of mud.

"I'm debating whether or not I deserve to live!" Eddiekinz wailed. "This is a moment of extreme moral questioning!"

"I should tell the President to call back later, then?" Jasper asked.

"Yes! I can tell anyone I want to call back later! I'm perfect, remember?"

"Yeah, whatever," Jasper said, and left the room.

Edward continued to writhe, until he suddenly realized that he wasn't hearing my voice. He stood in relief.

"What's for dinner?" I asked suddenly.

He exclaimed in horror. Then he ran to Italy. He would've swum, but he can't. He found the Volturi in their lair, bein' all Volturi-like and rulin' over the vampire world.

"'Sup?" the lead guy with the dreadlocks said, poundin' it with Big E.

"My dead girlfriend's voice is stalking me," Edward said, getting straight to the point.

"Well, don't bring her here!" the vice leader dude exclaimed.

The third guy said, "What'd you expect, yo? You stalked her for most of a book."

"Please," Edward begged. "Just help me get rid of her."

"...would've done that a long time ago..." Jane muttered. (Was her name Jane? I forget.)

"ILU!" I yelled to Edward.

The Volturi shuddered. Out of pity, they killed Edward.

"Nooooo!" I screamed.

They killed themselves, and I found myself alone in Italy without a map.

I blushed and refused a date with Tyler. He didn't get to see Edward without pants, though.

**A/N: Gee, what just happened? Oh, yeah. I got bored about halfway through writing this and couldn't think of an ending. Also I delayed the song for as long as possible 'cause I fail at writing songs. Sorry, guys. It started out so nicely, too....**

**Anyways, review, if you will. Even if you have no idea what just happened or are for some reason angry with me.**


End file.
